I'm tired and my computer is about to die, but my heart is full right now and since I'm not one for bearing my testimony in front of an audience on Fast Sunday, I'll do that now.
I'm at my parents house tonight and when I'm here I read out of one of those flimsy paperback Book of Mormons. This particular one is one that I had planned on giving to a friend in high school, but ended up giving them a different one. Anyway, I have it and it has some really great scriptures highlighted. When I'm here I usually just flip through the book and read some of the highlighted passages. This one sentence in Mormon 5:23 had an enormous impact on me:
"Know ye not that ye are in the hands of God?"
I felt a sudden rush of gratitude and joy at these words. I'm glad I have the Lord directing my life. I'm glad that I have the trials that I do. Cancer still sucks, but even if my mom departs this world prematurely, I will see her again. She will be saving a place for me in the next life and once there, I will hardly remember my life without her and I won't think on it with pain. It's excruciatingly painful now, but this life is just a moment in our existence. I don't think I've ever been more grateful for eternal families than I am right now.
In my moments of doubt and trying to rationalize religion (don't ever do that by the way) I have thought, "even if it isn't true, it's making me a better person right now." The first part of that sentence is a scary one. If it isn't true, why bother? If families aren't forever, what's the point of sticking around? That "even if it isn't true" is something that I've only thought a couple of times in my life and it's something that I am determined never to think again. How can it not be true when I'm feeling what I'm feeling right now? How can it not be true when I've felt this way hundreds of times before?
This moment is the first time I have felt ok with whatever may happen. Even if the worst should happen, it will be ok. Yes, it will be devastating and horrible and totally suck, but it will be ok. I wish I had felt this last July, but better late then never!
Who says the spirit goes to bed at midnight? :)